Story time

Living in New England the weather is usually questionable by the hour. Bundling up in the morning and spilling your layers out of your hands by the time school is out. My daughter and I frequent Target on the regular and it was a brisk afternoon, but not terrible. She was wearing a long sleeved Old Navy dress, leggings and rain boots (her specialty). By the time we came out the sun was setting and it was bit windy. She says “mommy, I’m cold”. I say “I know honey I’m a bad mom you don’t have your coat on”. As I’m picking her up to put her in her carseat, She says “you’re not a bad mommy” through laughter. As I close her door, smiling now because of her sweetness, I hear “you a psychopath”.

It’s been a long, tiresome day with your two year old who just can’t seem to see anyone else exists in the world but you. You can’t walk into the kitchen for a glass of water with their crocodile tears pouring out “Mama! I come too!” Yes honey, you can come too, Mama just needed a drink, but I know, I was gone too long so please, come with me.

We were in a shop today. A small, socially distanced, mask wearing consignment shop with the craziest clearance sales. I could spend all day in here. Before we enter I realize it’s just a touch too humid to leave our 9 month old pup in the car, so I emptied my oversized crossbody and shoved all 7lbs of her in it so I could shop a little longer. No sooner do I find the 2T section for my toddler do I notice her holding herself doing the pee-pee dance. No public restroom?Ok, I got this. We keep a potty in the trunk for episodes like this, especially in the middle of a pandemic when restrooms are likely to be for employees only. I put my pile down and run outside, she does her thing, and we’re back in. I kid you not, not more than 5 minutes go by and she’s holding her back side. This is a joke right, you have to go #2 now?! Ok, back in the trunk it is kid. Imagine the look on the 70-something year old lady walking past as I let my sweet innocent two year old drop one right there in the parking lot, dog in tow and all. Cute right?

She skipped nap time today so we were all ramped up for whining, boo-boos and tears until bedtime rolled around. Mommin’ ain’t easy I tell ya, nor is it pretty. So Mama’s, I see you. I see you more now because all I want to be is seen. Nothing more, just seen for the beautiful chaos this whole gruesome ride is.

Being a stay at home mom was never really a thought that crossed my mind. I obtained my first paid job at the mere age of 13, and haven’t stopped since. Throughout high school I was the kid who ran out as soon as the bell rang to walk 2+ miles down the road to work, while my friends planned sleepovers or tried out for sports.

Becoming a mom didn’t seem to deter my work ethic, however leaving my sweet baby girl at home while I drove an hour to make a measly paycheck didn’t seem like my cup of tea..or coffee as I prefer.

My husband finally found his niche and got a full time gig in town which left me able to stay home…for a while. We realized we were still missing a few bucks, and after racking my brain with how to make money from home, my genius brain told me to find somewhere I could bring my now 2 year old with me- Nannying!

I’d not only be back to work, but I wouldn’t be missing out on my girls milestones, AND I would be helping another mom cut daycare costs. Perfect, right?!

Until you watch satans spawn. My first family wasn’t so honest with their sons “needs”. The only thing they explained was “he was being evaluated at school for ADHD”. Ok, that’s fine. I don’t discriminate and I’m familiar with children who need a little extra attention. But this was no “ADHD”. This boy basically beat the crap out of my daughter right in front of my eyes. He was hitting, spitting, slamming her head into furniture as soon as I turned the corner, yelling, climbing curtains. Whatever the case may be, this was NOT what I had in mind when I chose to venture out into the workforce.

After a few more meet and greets, and the “wrong” placements, I have found my “family”. I love these kids like they were my own (almost), and I’d do anything for them in the drop of a dime. I get the joys of being around kids all day, including mine, and it has since inspired me to venture out of my previous career field-medical, to take classes to become a teacher.

It’s never too late to become who you were meant to become.

I felt a sense of overwhelming emotions tonight as I swayed my girl to sleep. I will never get tired of listening to her lullaby on her sound machine, snuggling and rocking her to sleep. One day she’ll be too big for Mommy’s lap, too mature for Goodnight Moon, and maybe too much of a mom herself, that I am going to savior every waking moment with her.

Tonight as my arms fell numb and my feet got tired, my eyes filled with tears. I prayed to whatever higher power is up above in the heavens and just said “thank you”. Thank you for this life. Thank you for one more day to be her momma, for one more day to be his wife, and one more day to have breath in my lungs.

Eighteen years ago a Mother like me did her very same bedtime routine-dinner,bath, songs and prayers-for the very last time. She was tired and she still gave her little girl her every ounce of energy, to instill a sense of safety, love and protection. She got up enough energy herself to walk downstairs and shower herself, wash her hair after 4 days of dry shampoo, and slipped into bed next to her husband -who happened to fall asleep before they said goodnight. She didn’t think anything of it though, she’ll make up for lost time tomorrow night as she promises herself that she’ll put the kids to sleep earlier to have a little more alone time.

But tomorrow, bedtime doesn’t come. Rocking her baby doesn’t come. Feeling overwhelmed as a mom, a wife and an everyday worker doesn’t come. She never got her extra alone time, she never said goodnight to her husband, she didn’t even get to say goodbye, or I love you one last time. Because on the morning of September 11, 2001, America would be shaken. Not only this family would lose their beloved Momma, but thousands of other families and lives would be changed and lost.

Take the time to tell those you love that you love them, that you care, that whatever time we have here on this Earth was the best time spent with them. Tomorrow is a gift, not a promise.

To those we loved and lost, and those still fighting a fight; thank you.

#alwaysremember 09/11/2001

Being a stay at home mom sure has its perks. But what happens when you’ve outdone all two activities in your boring, country town?

I live in a small town in Eastern Connecticut. I literally have to get on the highway and travel at LEAST one exit to buy groceries, further North or South to buy anything more. Don’t feel too bad, there’s 3 coffee shops within walking distance, so I’m always jet fueled and running a mile a minute.

I have a 9 year old Step-Daughter who’s in school all day, so it’s just my almost 2 year old and I most days. If I’m not taxiing back and forth to school or my husband to work, (because why have two vehicles), I find myself feening for activities.

My toddler tends to dampen the mood when she obliges and takes her normal 2 hour afternoon nap. (I know, what a shame!) But I often find myself thinking “now what?” Aside from the normal daily household chores of picking up toys, vacuuming, and making up the beds, I find myself at one extreme or the next. I am either binging the hottest Netflix series, or I’m deep cleaning and rearranging furniture. And lately, it’s been #2. Everyday my family comes home to hang a coat that falls on the floor because the hooks been moved, or can’t find their underwear because I’ve switched a bureau out for a cube shelf. I mean, it could be worse, right?

Staying at home can definitely take a toll if you don’t have a village. And that is the one thing I lack. I live far enough away from my friends and family that we go months at a time before we see each other. I do most of this alone. My husband works his tail off to make sure I can be the mother I’ve always dreamed of, but it definitely gets lonely at times.

Moms, do not feel bad about sitting in bed, binging snacks and watching Friends for the 17th time. Do not feel bad about moving the toy bin 100 times before it looks right, even though your child won’t be able to find their favorite Mickey. Take a break and dust in between every time Ross is on a break if that makes it better.

Self love is not always a hair appointment and a gel manicure, or a warm bubble bath and a glass or Pinot Grigio, (Although I’ll take you up on any and all of the above at any given moment) it’s just making sure you take the time to be a human.

I’m a mom. I’m a stay at home mom at that. My daughter is almost 2 and we spend almost every moment together. I cook. I clean. I have tea party’s and play countless rounds of roll the ball back and forth. I watch Mickey Mouse on repeat (Yup. The SAME episode.) I eat left over grilled cheese or cold “noo noo’s” from the pan for lunch. I’ve mastered to read all her favorite books while multitasking, because let’s face it, there’s only 2 and I can recite them word for word. When she naps, the last thing I do is nap along with her. I TRY to shower, with the monitor in my face because I can’t ever just have two seconds of alone time. I can’t. No matter how much I want it. I can’t even take a shower without worrying about someone else, or a million other things. I get out and almost regret that I wasted 20 minutes of precious time I could be prepping dinner or dusting that lamp that hasn’t moved since we moved in almost 3 years ago. Face it moms, we can’t even poop in peace without those tiny eyes grilling our every move. This week, my toddler threw a fit because I wouldn’t let her play with a tampon (yes, unused in the package!) But this is it, every moment I’m with her is a moment I’ve prayed for. Hoped for. And dreamed of. I’m her momma.

You know what I don’t get though. I don’t get to go to work with my friends. I don’t get a lunch break outside to breathe the fresh air. I don’t get to clock out at the end of an 8 hour day. I don’t get the paycheck deposited in my bank after a long week of work. I don’t come home to a clean house smelling of fresh lit vanilla (or now pumpkin) candles and my family excited to see me after a hard days work. I am the hard days work.

For all you SAHM’s, I see you. I salute you. I admire you. I AM you!

I’m not sure at 20 months that toddlers have sleep regression, but it sure seems that way in my house as of lately. I recently took the rail off my daughters crib, not because she was climbing out, but because during nap time she would move around so much that she would wake herself up by hitting the sides. I figured with a little more room, she would sleep a little more soundly and at least give me enough time to take a shower. I don’t want to stop time by any means, these last 20 months have certainly passed quickly, but I’d like it to slow down a bit. I would love nothing more than to hold my sweet baby as a baby again, and wake up and feed her a bottle in the middle of the night-yes, I already miss that. BUT, at 20 months old, it’s no longer cute. Nap time has sure become easier, she sleeps like a rock, but 6 out of 7 nights since I’ve removed the side she has woken up and ended up in my bed. Which I might add, she has never co-slept with us, but she is now sharing her room with her 9 year old half sister who has decided to live with us full time. So, when waking up crying, I try to remove her from the room as quickly as possible so I don’t have both my children up at 2am for no reason.

Though being a SAHM definitely has its perks, I get to watch my girls grow and learn together daily and clean unnecessary things around the house, it’s still extremely tiring, especially when you aren’t getting enough sleep. As they said in the infant days, this too shall pass.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton